5 weeks - or when I hit the wall....

I've been wanting to do a post about all the things people (and books) told me that would (or would not happen) and how, for me and this pregnancy, it was just not true. The most recent has been hitting the wall between 4 and 5 weeks. Everyone told me that the first 2-3 weeks would be the hardest. Well, not for me.

I am not sure what happened this week. I know that the weather changed and I have not been able to get out for a walk every day. Allan gets home after dark and the snow and ice have also kept me indoors. My gym membership is on hold till March but I am going to reactivate in February after I see my Dr next week and get an all clear. I did go out an run 2 miles in 10 degree weather on Thursday night - it was the best part of my day. Clearly I NEED the physical exertion to maintain my sanity.

Let's review all the things "people say":
1. Morning sickness will be gone by 12 weeks, 20 at the latest. Um, nope, I continued to be sick my entire pregnancy - even with Zofran helping, I was nauseous for 10 months solid. I threw up my entire labor.

2. You will gain a ton of weight, it will take 9 months to get it off. Again, nope - I topped out at 23lbs and FOUGHT for every one. I was below my pre-pregnancy (PP) weight at 10 days post baby and have since leveled off right around where I was PP. I need to firm up and do want to lose the 10-15lbs that I wanted to lose before I got pregnant (to be fabulous at 40), but that is another story.

3. First time Mom's have slow labor and you will push for 2-3 hours. Try 12 minutes and a resident telling me "not to push" while they tried to get the room set up in time.

4. It will take you a while to bounce back after having the baby. I felt better 2 weeks post baby than I had for pretty much the entire pregnancy. So much for the idea of "Irish twins". Mentally, I can't handle the thought of getting pregnant again. I don't want to wait very long since 40 is looming in June. Even hitting the wall this week, it is better than being pregnant.

5. Babies poop up to 6 times a day. Only ONE day so far have we had more than one poop in a day. Usually it is more like every 24-36 hours (which is supposed to be fine). Thank you lactation consultant for completely stressing me out over this one.

I am listing out the above only because I need to keep reminding myself to not believe any of the the things that *they say*. It just gets my hopes up for the crash. The two that are looming right now are:

1. Babies *peak* in fussiness at 6 weeks. Henry is definitely getting more fussy and I was telling myself that I could deal with it since the *peak* is coming. Then I thought, why should ANYTHING follow conventional wisdom.....fingers crossed that this one does.

2. Every pregnancy is different. See above #4 and the "Irish Twins - I am old" debate. I don't want to wait too long to try again and am actually ready to get the "all clear" from the Dr. next week (again, I feel better now than for most of my pregnancy). I am just terrified that I won't get pregnant again and also terrified of what could happen if I do? What if the next pregnancy is WORSE! gah!

Sleep deprivation is an ugly thing. I am getting enough sleep that I feel like I should be ok, but it really smacked me down this week. I fell down the stairs (more than once), get really emotional (my anxiety over things like dishes in the sink is brutal), have parked the car and walked away with it running, and I drop EVERYTHING (except the baby, Thank God). I was supposed to go for a late lunch today with a friend but am going to cancel. I don't have the motor skills to drive in the snow right now. I noticed not being able to focus well yesterday while driving in good conditions. I need to not take chances.
Even River is exhausted....


Wednesday I woke up with what I now think was a migraine (I got sick, light hurt my eyes, I literally could not get out of bed and had to let Henry cry for 30 minutes while I waited for Advil + Tylenol to kick in). It was scary. I could have called a neighbor, but I was literally not functioning well enough to think! Also this week, I felt like I might be starting with Postpartum Depression. I am TERRIFIED of this given my family history of PPD and SAD and my own history of depression (and self diagnosed anxiety issues). Thank God I woke up on Thursday feeling better. Today I also feel OK, even with MORE wake up calls last night. One more reason I NEED to get to the gym.

Here is the good news:
1. I still think Henry is the cutest thing around, he is healthy and growing. I think I started seeing a smile this week (it was intentional and repeated 2-3 times). I am hoping to see it more, even though it makes me cry. He bats at his toys and is awake and alert more of the day.

2. I am feeling good physically. I fit into my clothes (even with muffin top). With my sister in town over the weekend, I had my hair cut and reblonded. It made a huge difference in how I feel about myself.

3. I have amazing friends. PEO did a food drive on Sunday which literally SAVED me. Someone came over yesterday with two bags of food from Whole Foods and a baby present. More food is coming on Sunday. I love to cook, but this week pulled the rug out from under me and having meals in the fridge and freezer saved me.

4. I have amazing family who will drop everything and fly out if I say I need them.

5. Allan is an amazing man who I love and trust my my whole heart. I love how we are still trying to take care of each other.

6. Spring break trip to Phoenix/Sedona is booked (using points)! Just working on details now.

7. Hospital bills started coming (yikes - 4 days in NICU!). I am thankful that we can pay them (even though I will still stress about money).

8. I found a babysitter who will work for this spring till Allan is off for the summer. I am ready to start going back to work part time in Feb. Things are BUSY at the office:)

This week I want to focus on working Henry's sleeping schedule (within reason), taking more pictures, and writing down thoughts at least every other day.

My current obsession is trying to decide if I should go to Mexico (with Henry) in late Feb. I can mostly use miles to fly and have a free place to stay. Henry's passport has been applied for, the pediatrician gave the all clear. Why am I hesitating?